Group response: Hi Jodi-Kaye
If only there was a group support meeting to help persons with mental health like there is for addicts and drug abusers. Instead I am surrounded by the many versions of myself all looking at me for answers.It's like that room of mirrors. That creepy room of mirrors at an amusement park or circus that is so claustrophobic and intimidating. I am surrounded in a circle by versions of myself because I am my worst critic.
I am 33 years old and for as long as I can remember I have progressively been getting more and more "sickly" but noone knows whats wrong. I was always told I was "high-strung" (whatever that means) and "miserable" (hate that word) because I worry alot about things waaaaay ahead of time and like things my way. It doesn't really help then that I am also an over-achiever. You know that means that I also OVERthink, OVERcalculate, OVERplan and essentially OVERworry about EVERYTHING.
The thing is.....I have no idea I am doing it!
In high school, sixth form to be exact, I remember being in the hospital for high blood pressure. I was traumatized. Why was this happening to me? I had no clue....or..not really.
I mean, I know I wasn't doing so well in my studies....and....there was all this pressure to go to college and pick a career field.....and....well...I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. Who am I kidding, I was terrified!!! Everybody was sending out college applications and going to career fairs, making plans to go to UWI or some big fancy college overseas. Scholarships were being granted. Advisors were coming around offering guidance for choosing career field..for choosing....our futures, our life and there I was, with no clue what I wanted to do. On the outside I was fine, I mean I was my usual non-chalant, carefree self....right? Subconsciously, I was a hot mess! ME!? Not me...no...couldn't be.I was always a straight A student. I got scholarships and awards, trophies, plaques and certificates. Little did I know my mind was under tremendous preessure underneath it all. I wasn't feeling well for weeks but there was nothing outwardly wrong with me until I started having dizziness and was taken to my doctor. My blood pressure was so high she sent me straight to the hospital. There they ran tests and of course everything came back fine. So, by process of elimination i was told it was stress, probably due to my upcoming exams. At the time I thought this was preposterous! I don't get anxious about exams. I ace exams. The nerve!
Looking back at it now, I see it all makes sense. Just three weeks ago I was hospitalized once again. I had been having all types of ailments for months. Started in December with the flu, then random weakness followed by fatigue and dizzy spells and finally manifesting in chronic nausea. I had stopped eating for a couple days and my doctor was concerned I had a stomach issue. Little did I know that going to the hospital would manifest the truth about me that nothing else and no one else could ever reveal. As embarrassing as it is to even type this, I literally became a nut case in the hospital. Everything the nurses gave me somehow I saw as a threat and my mind acted accordingly and I would start to feel like it was making me more sick. They gave me nausea medication and I started to feel more nauseated. I made them stop it, They gave me normal saline, I felt like I was getting more sick. I made them stop it. I was down to water and apple juice. I refused all forms of tests. I was just in bed shaking like a leaf and I had not slept for 4 days. By now the doctor starts to realise that there is something psychologically wrong here and he mentions it to my mom. For the most part, I was not even aware of the way I was behaving but I had very few short moments of clarity when I was like, what the hell is happening to me?
The last night I was there I had a male nurse assigned to me. He was very concerned. He came to me and was like I need to know how you are doing, are you ok? He brought my chart and was genuinely concerned that I was not eating, not sleeping and also refusing all medication and even simple IV supplements. He took the time to explain to me that I need the IV supplements to help me feel better or else whatever is happening will only get worse. He also took the time to pray for me, to remind me that God is with me and He is in control. He managed to get through to what likkle logic I had left and I allowed him to turn my IV back on. He started a thought process that night. I started looking back at my bizarre behaviour and felt ashamed. I asked myself, what was really happening to me??
The next morning another nurse came around to take my vitals as they do every 12 hours or so. She looked at my blood pressure and looked at me, back at my blood pressure then back at me, She asked me, with genuine concern on her face, "what is going on with you?". For the first time, I could see it clearly and honestly said to her, "I think I have anxiety". *gasps* And so began this journey.
Soon after, I was diagnosed with having General Anxiety Disorder. I breathe in deeply and kind of hold my breath at the thought, but then I exhale.Aaah, a little relief. After years of physical illness that could never be explained. I was thought to have Lupus, connective tissue disease, Fibromyalgia and so much more. Now finally...something!
And..
Now I know....
